Bel Air Presbyterian Church

It is not a surprise to people who know me, but I have mild obsessive compulsive tendencies. I happen to believe that it is not necessarily a bad thing because such leanings make a person more detail oriented. It doesn't interfere with day-to-day living if -- for instance -- I always shave from the right side of my face to my left side (unless I have a beard in which case I shave in the opposite direction, don't ask me why). Being blind in one eye, one idiosyncrasy I have is to kick the edge of a step with my heel when walking down a flight of stairs -- I do it without even thinking about it, and it helps me to orient myself and prevents me from accidentally walking off the edge of the next step.

One of my obsessions involves symmetry. I am a fan of symmetrical architecture where things are evenly spaced and in direct proportion to one another. Nowhere can such symmetry be more beautifully expressed than inside a church. Practically every famous house of worship can be evenly sliced in half, a mirror image of itself. Serene perfection.

It is impossible to deny the Bel Air Presbyterian Church is anything less than beautiful. What it is not -- however -- is symmetrical. And it is a jarring asymmetry. I understand the reasoning behind it; the church has one of the most amazing views in all of Los Angeles and the design of the sanctuary takes full advantage of that exterior beauty, with massive windows in all directions -- even behind the alter area. Note: There is a cross cut into the frame of the window behind the alter, but unless you are seated near the exact center of the room, the cross will be obscured by the pipes for the pipe organ. As compensation, they have erected a cross to the far right of the church -- to the right of the massive PowerPoint screen. For me, the asymmetry makes me feel unsettled and -- though I can't logically explain why -- unwelcome.

The result is a room that feels more like a quirky, high-end restaurant or coffee shop than a church. As I sat there, I half expected a waitress to come take my drink order.

While I found the music and multimedia in last Sunday's church to blend nicely with the quaint style of the sanctuary, in the hills off of Mulholland Drive it was just exploitative. The house band -- sorry -- the praise band did the majority of the singing; we served more as audience members than congregants. Splashed onto the screen was a comedy sketch produced in connection to the day's sermon about Nineveh. The video would have been a terrific way to provide background of the location to children, except the children were all downstairs in Sunday school.

The featured Biblical passages for this morning were from Isaiah and Jonah, both mentioning the town of Nineveh. It was in that place where the birth of Jesus was foretold -- and where Jonah got all worked up over a dead shrubbery, but that's not important right now.

I normally like to name the pastor of each church as I comment about the sermon, but his name was lacking in the day's bulletin as well as the PowerPoint screen, so I guess he doesn't want to be known. Though in looking up his name on the church's website, I see they have a "Pastor to the Entertainment Industry," so -- um -- there's that. As for the sermon itself, it was innocuous. I thought about what word best described it and none fit better than innocuous. For a casual church-goer, it was fine; how could something so watered down not be fine?

OK, I'm being nitpicky, but he was wrong in his definition of "advent." I know my Latin roots and I know what adv means and I know what advent means as a result of that. And even if I didn't know, there are dictionaries to assist me. Clearly, the pastor wanted to use the word "receive" in his sermon, and it did, indeed, fit nicely into what he was saying, but advent does not mean receive. Advent deals with arrival, not reception. Even the blasphemers of Nineveh knew that. So, yes, we should take the next few weeks -- a.k.a. Advent season -- to prepare to receive Christ into our hearts, minds, and lives. However, that ain't what advent means. Advent refers to the arrival of the King of Kings, regardless of whether we are ready to receive Him. Because ready or not, here He comes.

My advice to the church if it wants to attract people like me would be to strip away the ephemera. I realize that, in doing so, there would be very little left to the church (for starters, they wouldn't need a "Pastor to the Entertainment Industry"), and from the sizable congregation I am in the minority view here. However, if you were to take a poll of those who attended, I'd wager they will recall the comedic video about Nineveh and probably recall the handful of jokes the pastor told. But I wonder how many of them walked away with the message that Christ is coming.

And that is what Advent is all about, Charlie Brown.


Amen.

_______________________________________________

Sunday Scorecard

This will be a regular part of my weekly reviews, a series of short-answer questions about the day's experience.

What is the contact info for the church?

Bel Air Presbyterian Church
16221 Mulholland Drive
Los Angeles, CA 90049
818/788-4200
http://www.belairpres.org/

What was the denomination?

Presbyterian

What Bible verses were referenced?

Isaiah 7:10-17, Jonah 3, Matthew 1:18-25 (anyone who doubts the differences in versions of the Bible, read the account of Joseph in Matthew 1 from the KJV then look at it in one of the modern translations... completely alters his character)


What are the demographics of the congregation?

Mostly young, white, hipsters.

Was the atmosphere formal or casual?

Very informal. People kept getting up and leaving.

What was the music like?

Praise band. 'Nuf said.

How was the use of PowerPoint?

An overwhelming amount of PowerPoint which distracted from the message

Being Hollywood, were there celebrities in the congregation?

Yes. A pretty minor actress sat next to me for five or ten minutes before receiving a text and leaving.

Metropolitan Community Church Los Angeles

As an avid viewer of "This Old House," I like the concept of taking something old and restoring it to its former glory. However, too much modernization can corrupt the original (remember what the Deetz family did to the house in "Beetlejuice"?). The same can be said whenever a church attempts to ultramodernize. Throw together a drumset. huge TV screens displaying PowerPoint slides, and an entire set of A/V gear inside a classicly designed sanctuary and you've got yourself the makings of a disaster. For this sort of infringement on tradition, unless a very delicate balance can be maintained, it makes the entire worhsip experience feel like a happy-clappy pep rally led by the world's worst glee club.

Someone finally found the right balance.

I confess, the Metropolitan Community Church Los Angeles was a last minute choice for me. I'd done little to no advanced research on the place other than identifying the start time of its Sunday worship service. As I arrived, the rain was pouring down in the Los Feliz district of Hollywood, and -- as usual -- there was no parking available. I drove up a side road, finally finding a spot, then got out of my car and slid my way back to church.

The place was packed. Aside from a few funerals and Christmas services, I don't think I've ever seen a church filled to capacity. This church was standing-room only. A couple hundred people who had an energy I am frankly not used to seeing in the aisles. A guy in the second row was dressed like Huggy Bear, complete with fur coat, which is neither here nor there but something I've never seen inside a church before -- and it was awesome.

Screens were positioned to either side of the altar, and the front of the church was packed with singers and musicians. And when the music kicked in, small remote controlled cameras transmitted the service live via Ustream. In reviewing the video from this morning's service, it does not do justice to the audio, which is a shame, because unlike so many worship services I've attended lately, the congregants did not merely phone it in; they made quite a joyful noise. (Note: That is me in the screen-grabbed image next to the minister as he delivered the benediction at the close of worship)

There was a double message to the day's worship. The first dealt with thanks -- an obvious topic considering the week we are in, but less obvious when you consider the pastor's accent is a dead giveaway that he is from somewhere across the pond. The second topic is less well-known to many people, and one that many in the Christian community would rather not celebrate, and one upon which this church is based. Today is a day in the LGBT community when they remember those whose lives were lost as a result of having been discriminated against because of their sexual orientation. As I later learned from reading about the church on its website, the church was founded in the '60s by a radical minister who believed -- as the song goes -- that Jesus loved all the children of the world.

It is a point so trivial that I cannot believe it gets so much attention, but despite your race, gender, or sexual orientation, God loves you. Anyone who believes in God and claims otherwise is operating from a place of pure evil. Anyone -- and I'm looking at you Westboro scumbags -- who claims to speak for God and incite hatred or violence against anyone is operating from a place of pure evil. And as a guest speaker mentioned this morning, anyone who would murder someone in the Hollywood streets because of their gender or sexual orientation is operating so far from God's path they might be the devil incarnate.

MCC today is an eclectic mix of races, ages, genders, and -- one assumes -- sexual orientations. But they all come to Sunday worship to praise and sing to God. They all come to give thanks and to pray. And anyone who might deny them that honor is operating from -- you guessed it -- a place of pure evil.

Before I conclude on a positive note (perish the thought), I do have a few criticisms about MCC. For starters, for the love of God and for the love of my ear drums, bagpipes are not to be played indoors! And if you are going to do some indoor bagpiping, do not funnel the sound through a solid speaker system. What were you thinking? Come on. Have mercy on us all!

My final criticism relates to preaching politics from the pulpit. This occurred inside the first church I visited in Hollywood, and it occurred again today. In both cases, I happen to believe in the sentiment behind these political statements. However, I fervently disapprove of them being spoken as part of a worship service. As much as I detest the motives and actions of the so-called 1%, I want them to feel welcome inside God's house, just as I want the LGBT community to feel welcome inside God's house. In fact, if anybody is in more desperate need of God's word than the amoral billionaires of this nation, I'd like to might them. I support Occupy Wall Street and marched with Occupy Los Angeles, but those debates need to happen outside the confines of God's house. I'm not suggesting religious people should not engage in the debates and dialogues, but they should not be a part of a worship service. What I hope is such political speech occurred on this day because of what this day represents to the LGBT community, and that it is not a regular part of worship at MCC. As the service (yes, even the modern music) was otherwise full of positive energy and a genuine sense of welcome, my intention is to revisit this church again in the weeks to come.

Amen.

_______________________________________________

Sunday Scorecard

This will be a regular part of my weekly reviews, a series of short-answer questions about the day's experience.

What is the contact info for the church?

Metropolitan Community Church Los Angeles
4953 Franklin Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90027
323/669-3434
http://www.mccla.org/

What was the denomination?

MCC

What Bible verses were referenced?

Matthew 25:31-46

What are the demographics of the congregation?

Redefines diversity in a congregation, and the house was packed

Was the atmosphere formal or casual?

Informal but there was still a sense of reverence

What was the music like?

Praise band... and a bagpipe

How was the use of PowerPoint?

Perhaps the best use of PowerPoint and video I've ever seen. Professional and unobtrusive, though the audio needs to be better on the live Ustream feed.

Being Hollywood, were there celebrities in the congregation?

Yes.

Happy birthday King James Bible

My favorite translation of the Bible is 400-years-old. The King's book contains the Queen's English... the English of Shakespeare's era. It isn't perfect, but it gets the job done.

People tell me I ought to embrace the newer translations. I tell them "Thou art a fool, and I bite my thumb at thee." I was raised listening to and reading the KJV, so when the time came for me to study the Bard's classics in school, there was no learning curve for the language. I could simply focus on the story while others around me struggled. But more importantly, a point I keep stressing is that traditions connect us to the past. When I read a passage from the newer translations, they tend to feel colder, sillier, and much more removed from the source. Jesus shouldn't sound like a surfer; His words should sound authoritative. God should sound like James Mason.

Probably my favorite verse in the Bible comes from Psalm 30. Here it is from the King James Version:

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

Contrast that with ASV's, "Weeping may tarry for the night..." Tarry? Seriously?

Then there is the dreaded NIV's bland, "Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" which not only sounds like an accountant wrote it, but joy and rejoicing are distinctly different things. 

Lest we forget the version known as "The Message" which tells us, "The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter." This version increased the crying jag so your face will now be buried in a pillow over multiple evenings, then it dropped joy altogether in exchange for fits of hysterical laughter. 

The KJV told it beautifully and simply. You'll have a bad day, but joy will come. On a day like today, it is a verse I needed to read. Have patience. Have faith.

Happy birthday King James Version.

Amen.

Mt. Hollywood Congregational Church

Attention unemployed people: Have you ever considered becoming a pastor?

It is almost alarming how many churches I've visited over the last several months that are in need of a permanent minister. While I concede the pay is likely to be crap and you will most definitely have to work weekends, a job is a job. Perks of the job include: your own white robe, all the bread and fortified grape juice you can consume, and the opportunity to rant and rave to a bunch of people on a weekly basis. The hardest part of the job is -- when officiating over a wedding -- trying not to sound like this guy:

As you might already have suspected, I happened upon another flock in need of a shepherd this morning. The Mt. Hollywood Congregational Church in the Los Feliz district has a sense of incompleteness about it. Nobody seemed to know where the light switch was located -- not a metaphor, people genuinely didn't know how to turn on the lights inside the church. If the cornerstone is accurate, the building is over 90-years-old. I think a few members of the congregation witnessed its installation.

It isn't fair to judge a church by guest speakers and a transitional condition, but here we go anyway. There were about 40 or so people worshiping together including a choir that sounds surprisingly good. The pianist is talented, though his smug facial expression leads me to believe he knows this so I won't stroke his ego by citing him by name. For all I know he is a nice guy, but there was a look of pomposity on his face that never seemed to fade.

Two speakers delivered portions of the sermon, but nobody read from the Gospels. They did read one of the psalms, though. The first speaker was a member of the church who cited a former pastor's phrase, "grumpy saints." These are people who do good works and complain about it. Sometimes I think I fall under that category. However, to paraphrase her message: It is better to be a grumpy saint than a happy sonofabitch.

The second speaker worked for a local nonprofit organization that helped transgendered children. She had previously been a missionary in Liberia (sensing a pattern), and believe it or not she was able to equate the two experiences.

Overall the church didn't seem like a bad one, but it is clearly in need of focus and direction. I hope and pray that someone emerges to fill their vacancy and preserve the legacy of a nearly century old (albeit quirky) house of worship.

Feel free to send in a resume.

Amen.

_______________________________________________

Sunday Scorecard

This will be a regular part of my weekly reviews, a series of short-answer questions about the day's experience.

What is the contact info for the church?

Mt. Hollywood Congregational Church
4607 Prospect Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90027
323/663-6577
http://www.mthollywood.org/

What was the denomination?

United Church of Christ

What Bible verses were referenced?

Psalm 123

What are the demographics of the congregation?

Low numbers... older congregation, though there were a few families

Was the atmosphere formal or casual?

Formal choir, informal everything else

What was the music like?

Piano and choir

How was the use of PowerPoint?

No PowerPoint

Being Hollywood, were there celebrities in the congregation?

None that I recognized

Mount Calvary Lutheran Church

A lot of times we seek out what is comfortable. That was almost certainly what I had in mind when I selected Mount Calvary Lutheran Church as my house of worship this morning. To be blunt, the Lutherans haven't changed much since the protestant reformation a few hundred years ago, but the familiar appealed to me today so I gave it a go.

There is an old axiom: When God wants to punish us, He gives us what we want.

I came in search of something familiar, and I was greeted at the door by a woman who was very nearly identical in appearance to one of the long lost loves of my life -- and she was very friendly. No doubt she was confused because I'm fairly certain a woman who looks as good as she does is unaccustomed to men averting their gaze and walking away as quickly as possible. But it was frankly unsettling to see a virtual doppelganger of a woman who carved my heart up like a holiday ham. I found my way to a pew and buried my face in the church bulletin. That was when my prom date appeared to welcome me and hand me a packet of information they give out to all church visitors. It was not my prom date, of course, but as was the case with the first woman I'd encountered, this woman looked startlingly close to another woman from my past. The first woman clearly does not handle rejection well, because no sooner had my prom date left when the former love of my life stood next to me and gave me a monthly newsletter. There I was, in search of a familiar setting where I could think and pray, but I found myself engulfed by familiar (distracting) women.

Once the women had sufficiently freaked me out, an incident occurred which reminded of a moment in my past that I'd managed to repress. As those who know me are keenly aware, I am blind in one eye and lack depth-perception. While attending a Lutheran junior high, I sometimes served as acolyte at the church affiliated with the school. The candles I had to light were placed at eye level and it wasn't too much of a problem to light what needed lighting and snuff out what needed snuffing. But that church was not our family's church. Our family's church had candles perched higher than my eyes were able to estimate. On one (and only one) occasion, my family pastor asked me to acolyte. To hear my family recount the story, I looked a bit like a drunken Jedi trying to wave a lightsaber at fireflies. I was unable to light any candles and very nearly burned down the church. I generally don't waste much time worrying what others think of me, but there is no denying the embarrassment of that moment.

This morning, one of the two acolytes attempted to light a candle and actually managed to do a worse job than I did. The floors are a smooth (very smooth -- too smooth, it turns out) marble of some kind, and as the young boy reached up to light the candle, his feet sailed into the air and he landed hard on the ground, pausing just long enough to hit the alter and the wall on the way down. Candles sailed one direction and the snuffer (with the lit end) sailed another direction. The kid was clearly hurt, but the physical pain was nowhere near as bad as what the kid felt, if the expression on his face was any indication. With luck, he can repress the memory just as I did, only to have it resurface a few decades later when he's in church already feeling uncomfortable.

The last week or so I've had a few friends indicate that I've seemed more depressed than usual. There is an element of truth in that, but I contend what is really happening is that I'm coming to terms with the less-than-stellar quality of my life, as well as the lives of others around me. Lately it has been obvious that -- through little to no fault of our own -- things aren't exactly going our way. Already one who doesn't hold much back, I've been vocal about my unhappiness at the state of affairs, or lack thereof. The argument can be made that I'm not doing myself or anybody else any good by speaking about it, but I've never been one to repress things... aside from an odd acolyte experience or two.

Continuing the theme of lookalikes, I shouldn't have been shocked to see none other than Jolly Ol' St. Nicholas presiding over the worship service. Again, not the real Santa Claus, but an incredible simulation. Santa led us through a very traditional order of worship, though he did caution that the city was scheduled to work on the electricity and it was entirely likely the power would go out during the service -- probably not a good day to have toppled candles.

The church itself looked like bits of it had been renovated, but other bits looked old and even a little tired. The front was entirely brick and looked more like the backdrop of a small town comedy club than a big city church. The style was akin to art deco, only it felt like the end of the era of art deco, when people weren't trying very hard. The room's acoustics were designed to give any crows who had nested above the alter a prime sonic experience. The rest of us had to struggle to hear the pastor speak, even when he used a microphone.

One thing I liked was that the alter was up against the wall, which meant the pastor faced away from the congregation and toward the cross when he prayed. This is -- I feel -- as it should be. As is the case with my profession of teaching, ministers have to resort to being entertainers, but in the end, both the pastor and the congregation gather together to worship God, which should mean that we all face the proverbial Him. Another thing I liked was that, of all the Hollywood churches I've attended so far, this was only the second where the pastor preached from the pulpit. And the pulpit was elevated above the congregation. Santa spoke with authority, though -- sadly -- his message was too simplistic for my taste.

This being the Sunday closest to All Saints Day, I guess tradition dictates this is when we review the beatitudes. I reviewed them a month or so ago in another church, but that is neither here nor there. Reverend Claus indicated the translation could be the well-known "blessed are the poor..." but he preferred "fortunate are the poor..." because -- well -- that was never made entirely clear. But he stood on a pulpit in Beverly Hills talking about how the poor and meek would inherit the Earth, so he gets extra credit points for that.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that this weekend also marks the birth and death of a very good friend of mine (he passed away several years ago, coincidentally on his birthday). I've written elsewhere about my final conversation with him, and the guilt that I carry having been rude to him during our last phone call. While I try to celebrate his life and the good times we shared, when this time of year rolls around, I still find it hard to carry the burden of guilt about not having been able to tell him how much his friendship meant to me over the years. The real reason I wanted a comfortable, familiar church setting today was so I could effectively work through some of those emotions, praying to God and talking to my friend. Instead, I wound up encountering two women whom we both knew, watched an acolyte do a double-axle, and listened to Santa tell rich people they were basically doomed.

Up in heaven, I think it might be possible that God and my late friend just high-fived.

Amen.

_______________________________________________

Sunday Scorecard

This will be a regular part of my weekly reviews, a series of short-answer questions about the day's experience.

What is the contact info for the church?

Mt. Calvary Lutheran Church
436 South Beverly Dr.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
310/277-1164
http://www.beverlyhillslutheran.com/

What was the denomination?

Lutheran (LCMS)

What Bible verses were referenced?

Revelation 7:9-17 and Matthew 5:1-12

What are the demographics of the congregation?

Good mix of ages, mostly white... low numbers, though... roughly 30 in attendance

Was the atmosphere formal or casual?

Formal in structure and tone, except there was a coffee pot in the rear of the church

What was the music like?

Organ

How was the use of PowerPoint?

No PowerPoint

Being Hollywood, were there celebrities in the congregation?

Only Santa