Reality LA

I have witnessed the future, and it is located in a high school auditorium with no air conditioning.

Do you remember those churches with bell towers, alters, and crosses? Those quaint relics from the days of yore? Those ornate structures that recall an era long gone?

I try to remind myself that intent matters, and if the chosen form of worship can basically be likened to a folk-rock concert circa 1983 (and it can), people have every right to express themselves and their faith in that way. After all, they are taking time out of their lives to pause and reflect on God, so it shouldn't concern me if half the congregants brought Starbucks cups into church with them (maybe the Lord liketh lattes). I guess I really need to get with the times and embrace the shape of things to come.

The church known as "Reality LA" has certainly taken steps to distance itself from traditional churches (note the complete lack of "First Church of..." in the title), and by every modern standard they are succeeding. They do not solicit verbal prayer requests, nor do they have those little cards and golf pencils in the pews for people to write their needs or concerns. In these modern times, they project a PowerPoint slide containing a number those in attendance could use to text their prayers to the Lord. But so we don't feel overly modern, the AC wasn't working. On a related note, my heartfelt thanks to the woman in the animal print skirt in front of me who not only removed layers of clothing during the service, but actually took the time to toss one of the articles of clothing back to me. I don't know if it was due to the intense heat in the room or if you were just trying to make me feel welcome, but I applaud the effort.

I'd guess there were roughly 800 in attendance at the noon service today (no kidding, much like the Hollywood Bowl or the Greek Theater, this church had stacked parking). The congregation was comprised of the sort of crowd that network TV executives would kill for. I mean, this was a Stepford congregation, filled with the young and the pretty... and me. I doubt anybody seated within my direct line of sight was over 23-years-old, and nobody I could see had an ounce of body fat.

The show opened with a praise band, and I won't put you through another retelling of my dislike of praise bands. Instead, on the off chance the sound board operator from Reality LA might read this, if you have a female lead singing with a clipped, high-pitched, nasal voice, might I suggest lowering the high frequencies a bit, boosting the low end, and possibly adding a little reverb? I don't think the lead singer was necessarily bad, but she was poorly mixed. This is Hollywood -- you should know better.

A typical worship service runs about an hour, but Reality LA is a two-hour commitment. Several songs led us into worship. I occasionally see someone in a given congregation with their arms outstretched in much the same way a suspect might stand whilst being frisked by the police. It is not my intent to mock these people; if anything I am jealous of those so consumed by the Holy Spirit that they are literally compelled to lift up their arms and sway side-to-side. I can't picture myself that wrapped up in any music, except maybe at a Beatles concert featuring all four members of the band.

I won't harp on about the use of modern songs in worship, but one thing that made me feel good this afternoon was when the praise band covered two very traditional hymns: "Amazing Grace" and "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." It made me feel good because although there was a smattering of singing coming from the congregation during the modern songs, during the traditional hymns the crowd blew the roof off the place. Even in this most modern of church settings, the classics never go out of style.   

Another modern trend in worship is the unannounced prayer, and -- because it is modern -- you know I won't like it. Traditionally, before prayer begins a pastor or minister would exclaim, "Let us pray" or words to that effect. But now a prayer can strike at any moment without warning. Today, the lead singer said something along the lines of, "Hey everybody thanks for coming and it is great to see all of you here today Lord we love you and need you and we are grateful for this day and Bob will be up in a minute with some church announcements but God You are wonderful and awesome and please remember to set your cell phones to vibrate." Paraphrasing, but I'd like a little notice before we collectively talk to God.

Finally it was time for the words of Pastor Tim. If you picture in your mind's eye someone who wants to be called simply "Pastor Tim," you are probably spot on. Pastor Tim started Reality LA six years ago, and six years before that he was a drugged up sex fiend who found the Lord. I know this not only because he mentioned it a few times during his sermon, but it is included in his bio on the official church website. I am of mixed emotions when it comes to the "born again" as leaders -- I am glad they found faith, but I think I'd prefer a church leader who had faith from birth. From the nodding heads in the congregation (frankly looked at times like a convention of life-sized bobble-head figurines), people are able to relate to Pastor Tim's path to faith. It is like those who elected George Bush because he seemed a likeable guy that they might be able to grab a beer or watch a ballgame with.

Growing up, we referred to our church pastor by his last name. Perhaps it was to show reverence and respect. Perhaps it was a gesture of formality to remind us of the divinity of those called to serve the Lord. Perhaps it was because his first name was Maynard. Whatever the reason, we differentiated between the preacher and the congregation. Not only do I believe there is no such differentiation at Reality LA, I believe Pastor Tim would take offense if we tried. However, while I don't take offense at a minister wanting me to see him as a "regular guy," I am somewhat irregular and don't really see myself relating to a man-of-the-cloth.

Pastor Tim's focus today was on prayer itself. He spoke at length about the importance of prayer to God the Father, and that was really how we were supposed to see Him -- as a father figure. I'll confess to an emotional disconnect in this area, since my father was not someone I ever felt I could go to for help, encouragement, or advice. Pastor Tim talked about Christian prayer versus spiritual prayer, and he used the word "spiritual" as if it was a bad word. Spiritual prayers, he concluded, are all about the "God who lives within us," and these are bad prayers. Instead, Pastor Tim would prefer that we pray to our Father in the sky. He said the spiritual prayers were "Pilates prayers" that might be good for the body but not the soul. And -- for the life of me -- I had no freakin' clue what he was talking about.

Pray however you want to pray. Get down on your knees and lower your head in supplication, or lift your head up high into the heavens. Whether you think God is a bearded old man in a bathrobe or an amorphic, indefinable entity that passes through us all simultaneously -- it is no concern of mine. My personal belief is that God is a non-localized phenomena -- that He is inside us as well as in every other thing. However, I don't begrudge those who view Him differently; I actually embrace the differences.

The other issue I had with Pastor Tim's sermon on prayer is a common issue I have when the topic comes up: He didn't address unanswered prayer. The concept of "God answers all of our prayers; He just doesn't do it in a way we expect Him to" is a crutch -- a fallback when there is no clear answer to questions like, "Why didn't God prevent the hurricane?" or "Why did God allow that little girl to be killed?" A lot of good people prayed... a lot of bargains were struck with the Lord... but the prayers didn't get answered. It happens... often... and Pastor Tim failed to address it seriously, and it is a serious issue for a lot of people.

I credit Pastor Tim for standing in Hollywood and encouraging people to express humility. There is a courage in appearing before people who all want money or fame or a supermodel and reminding us all that we are basically weak, pathetic sinners. But his only tie-in to prayer was this notion of thinking of appealing to God the Father, and I can't have been the only one in attendance for whom the word "father" is not synonymous with "almighty." 

I must confess that my head was not entirely in today's church visit. But one positive note about the venue was that during communion the audience lights dimmed and it allowed me the opportunity for my own silent prayer and meditation. I did bring my troubles to God and asked His help. He knows that I know exactly how weak and pathetic I am, but I told Him again anyway. And I feel those moments in the dark were much more beneficial to me -- to my soul -- than the rest of the two hours I spent at Reality LA.

And maybe that is the future of church-going: Those who need the lights, music, PowerPoint, texting, etc. will have that option -- the rest of us will always be able to commune with God in any dark, silent room. At least I hope so, because no high school auditorium is going to save a wretch like me.

Amen.

_______________________________________________

Sunday Scorecard

This will be a regular part of my weekly reviews, a series of short-answer questions about the day's experience.

What is the contact info for the church?

Reality LA
1309 N. Wilton Pl.
Hollywood, CA 90028

323/883-1812

http://realityla.com/

What was the denomination?

None, and the pastor went so far as to be critical of "religion"

What Bible verses were referenced?


Daniel 9:20-23, Luke 18:9-14, and Matthew 7:7-11

What are the demographics of the congregation?

It would be hyperbole to state the congregation was the brightest shade of white on the surface of the planet, but if it is an exaggeration it is -- at most -- a mild one.

Was the atmosphere formal or casual?

I wore khaki pants and a collared shirt that was tucked in, and that made me exceedingly overdressed

What was the music like?

Praise band consisted of two guitars, drum, bass guitar, and keyboard.

How was the use of PowerPoint?

Excessive and extensive, front and center, in lieu of a cross, as if we must all bow down to the great god of Microsoft

Being Hollywood, were there celebrities in the congregation?

Possibly the entire cast of "Pretty Little Liars," but due to the disparity in age I honestly couldn't say with any degree of certainty

What would Jesus tweet?

"omfg y hv u 4skn me?" 

@StevenWeber

The First Baptist Church of Beverly Hills

One thing I have been quick to point out is my tastes are unique. To the folks who call The First Baptist Church of Beverly Hills their spiritual home, I mean no disrespect. As women are fond of saying, "It's not you, it's me." Your church is fine and you all seem a decent breed of people. And now I will proceed to lampoon you anyway; it is a flaw in me that makes me do this.

I chose this church by doing a search on Google. There are scores more churches in the area, but I had slacked a bit and failed to do any research this week. On Saturday evening I did a search for churches, eliminated the ones I'd already visited and this one came up next on the list. Oddly, driving across Hollywood today, I went past many churches that did not appear in my Google search. The church is right on the cusp of West Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and it is small -- a chapel really.

What struck me first about the interior was the lack of an alter. In its place was a drum kit and some amps. Oh, yes, friends -- I had encountered another church with modern music. Worse, the music had entirely consumed the front of the church. There were no lecterns or pulpits to be found, though when it cam time to deliver the sermon, the pastor dragged... well... I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

The "acting music director" was a professional musician from a bygone era, a charismatic fellow named Larry (I'm making it a point not to list celebrity names when I encounter them in church, out of respect for their privacy, but many people would recognize his uncommon last name if they saw it). Though older than he was at the height of his popularity, he was no less gregarious today. He played the piano while a younger kid strummed along on bass guitar -- nobody played the drums. We pounded through a few songs. Then came "visitation."

Some people are deeply introverted, but not me. I am outgoing and good with people, but I find the process of meeting new people generally awkward. Every church these days seems to have a moment during worship when the festivities grind to a screeching halt so we can all turn and greet each other. Normally a few seconds to a minute in length, it is tolerable. However, this church makes a big deal out of what it has called visitation; time seemed to stand still as I clumsily had to introduce myself to everyone in the room. Somewhere between five to ten minutes of random small talk. Ugh.

Visitation wrapped up with Larry at the piano, playing us back to our pews. It was then time for the sermon conducted by the church's long-term interim pastor, a man named Jonathan Stockstill. Pastor Stockstill got off on two wrong feet with me. First, he was wearing blue jeans. Now I've gone over this at length previously, but I want/need a sense of tradition and reverence in a worship service. The pastor is the man reading God's word from God's house and then has the daunting task of making that Word something we can all relate to in our lives. It is easy to relate to a guy in Levi's, but he seems far removed from God -- and, no, I don't picture God as a bearded white guy living in the clouds... but I also don't picture him in faded, double stitched denim. The second wrong foot was this: He sat down.

As I began to write a few paragraphs earlier, the pastor dragged a small podium to the center of the front of the church, but he also dragged over a stool, upon which he casually sat as though he was about to read aloud from his book of beatnik poetry. Here is the thing about public speaking: If you are not dynamic and full of energy, the audience reacts in kind. The congregation collectively lost energy when the pastor sat down. And that really is a shame because otherwise he was a very good speaker.

His focus was the beginning of Matthew 5, and Catholics everywhere just cringed, because if they attended Catholic school then they know this chapter all too well. Fans of Monty Python will also recognize this chapter:

Fans of Eddie Izzard will also recall these verses:

Known as The Beatitudes, these verses outline who is blessed in the eyes of God, and what rewards are likely to befall these people in the hereafter. But really, the thrust of the sermon was on a single word: passion. The problem was that the pastor did an excellent job defining the other words he would discuss (word like blessed, pure, heart, and peacemakers), but failed at grasping the true definition of the word passion. Passion literally means suffering, and too many people operate under different assumptions regarding the word. One who is compassionate is one who suffers with another who is sad or in pain. "The Passion of the Christ" was about the suffering of Jesus. The pastor didn't define passion at all in his sermon, but it was clear he misunderstood the word. He spoke in general terms of healthy obsessions (like baseball), but that is not the same thing.

That said, he touched on some interesting points, my favorite being that a peacemaker is different than a peacekeeper. And to be fair he did stand up from time to time, but most of the sermon was delivered seated on a stool. But all that could change in the coming months since the church has appointed a new pastor who will arrive shortly. He might stand. He might demand an alter instead of a drum kit. He might demand a drummer to drum as long as there is a drum kit. Once again, I have stumbled upon another church in transition. And the one I already have in mind for next week doesn't even have its own property yet. And next month I'm planning to really challenge myself and explore the faith of Hollywood.

Amen.

_______________________________________________

Sunday Scorecard

This will be a regular part of my weekly reviews, a series of short-answer questions about the day's experience.

What is the contact info for the church?

The First Baptist Church of Beverly Hills
9025 Cynthia St.
West Hollywood, CA 90069 

310/276-3978


http://www.firstbaptistbevhills.org/


What was the denomination?

Baptist

What Bible verses were referenced?


Matthew 5:1-9 (a.k.a. The Beatitudes)

What are the demographics of the congregation?

Roughly 30 in attendance, mostly white, a few Asian, a good mix of young and old.

Was the atmosphere formal or casual?

The only way it could have been less formal is if there had been no worship service.

What was the music like?

It was like a Ramada Inn lounge circa 1977 (which is not altogether bad, just not what I consider church-goin' music)

How was the use of PowerPoint?

It was there for the song lyrics and Bible verses, to the left of the alter... if they had an alter, which they don't... but it was above the piano

Being Hollywood, were there celebrities in the congregation?

One or two

Official Papal Blessing

Courtesy of the late Pope John Paul II:

To me, this "official" blessing carries no more weight than any random stranger who says "bless you" after I sneeze, but I do find it an interesting family memento.

Church of the Blessed Sacrament

I'm in an odd position of being a non-Catholic with a substantial background in Catholicism. I attended Catholic school (despite having been raised Lutheran) for three years. My mother worked as a teacher at that same school for several years. We had family friends who were nuns. To this day, I know many Catholics. One of my friends, a fellow former Peace Corps Volunteer, is a Jesuit priest. A rather odd piece of family trivia is that we received an official blessing from the late Pope John Paul II. In fact, we got it in writing. Since we are not Catholics, we assume it to be a clerical error; nevertheless, it exists.

When searching for a church to attend today, what mattered most was the start time. I was to hang out with my family in Orange County later in the morning, which meant I needed an early morning service. I normally prefer late worship, because I dislike all mornings on principle. But the Church of the Blessed Sacrament, a Catholic-Jesuit church at the foot of the Sunset Strip in Hollywood had a 7:30am mass. Let the nostalgia commence.

Allow me to state right from the get-go that the church itself is imposing and awe-inspiring. The walls are lined with massive mural depicting the stations of the cross (as a kid, I always felt this was a bit excessive, especially when we had to memorize them... first He was wrongly convicted, then He took up the cross, then He hit a Starbucks for a venti mocha, then He took a few steps, then He made a cash withdrawal at an ATM, then He took a few more steps...). The sanctuary itself could probably host an NFL expansion team if Los Angeles ever decided to go that route. However, it was running at perhaps a tenth of its capacity today. Worth noting that the interiors of most Catholic churches are imposing and awe-inspiring to me. Clearly time, thought, and attention were paid to their design. All too often, modern churches closely resemble a hotel or convention center ballroom, with stark walls and boring flat spaces. Catholics really tend to go a bit overboard on church design, and that is as it should be. You want a place that is going to feel different than other places. The expression may be "God is everywhere," but a church is "God's house," and that ought to feel special. And you ought to feel a lot less special when you walk inside.

Catholics know this already, but for the rest of you, a traditional mass is so steeped in -- well -- tradition that it has gone unchanged for decades. Once the Holy See granted permission for the liturgy to be performed in native languages as opposed to Latin, not much has changed. The structure is as it was in the 1980s when I attended weekly mass as a student at St. Louise De Merrilac in West Covina, CA. In fact, it was so nearly identical that I found myself entirely lost in the routine and lost all track of time. Aside from a few name changes (as a kid, John Paul II was the pope and Roger Mahoney was the bishop; now it is Benedict and Jose), the structure was easy to slip back into. As I did in a previous church review, I'd direct your attention to a comedian, in this case the late Richard Jeni's thoughts on mass, because he summed it up better than my humble words ever could:

Jokes.com
Richard Jeni - Brought Up Catholic
comedians.comedycentral.com
Jokes Joke of the Day Funny Jokes

I can't really go into specific detail about the mass I sat through today because there was nothing special about it. There was no homily to speak of; there were just a few words by the priest before each of the Bible readings. There was no music, unless one counts some of the "call and repeat" verses performed as part of the mass. All there was what was I experienced as a child, and no more. I'm not entirely upset by that.

As stated, I have a history with the Church, despite not having been an official part of it. And I can be very critical of much the Church has done and continues to do. For instance, I find the very concept of the papacy to be among the silliest things mankind has ever created. However, I am morally obligated to offer as much praise as I can to the Catholics, and here is why:

When I was a child, my father took off, and he left behind my mother to raise four kids on her own. She was a private school teacher, which meant if Walmart had existed in those days, the greeter would have been paid more than she was. We were in dire straits, and I'm not talking about the kick-ass rock band featuring Mark Knopfler. But did our own church, the Lutheran church, take us in? No. The Catholics gave my mom a job. Heck, the living head of the Catholic church blessed my family! The Catholics provided the cushion of support my family needed at a time when our own church community sat and did nothing. So I kinda have to say a few nice things about the Church, and try my best not to make jokes about pedophile priests. So here goes.

Say what you will about Catholicism, but you always know where you stand. Their views on all major issues are laid out there for all to see. Are some of those views archaic? Of course, but they are at least consistent. Their views on all life being sacred stand in stark contrast to those who might argue that some life is more worthy than another, as well as those who might make excuses for shortening or ending a life. They also stand in stark contrast to the militant members of the right wing, which is strange when you consider how militant the Church once was. The Church is anti-war, anti-abortion, and anti-death penalty. You name the person or group of people and the Catholics will want them very much alive. Again, are they perfect? Nope, not by a long shot. But you have to respect a consistent message.

I will never be a Catholic, and I will -- from time to time -- poke fun at them. However, today's mass gave me the chance to revisit a piece of my youth. And I took the time to thank God for the Catholics I have met over the years, and for the love and support they have given me and my family. As for anything else that might have occurred during the mass, I freely confess I shifted into auto-pilot and mised the whole thing. Hey, it happens, and at least I didn't lie about it.

I leave you with, perhaps, the greatest piece of theological satire ever produced, Tom Lehrer's "Vatican Rag":

Amen.

_______________________________________________

Sunday Scorecard

This will be a regular part of my weekly reviews, a series of short-answer questions about the day's experience.

What is the contact info for the church?

Church of the Blessed Sacrament

6657 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028 
323/462-6311

http://blessedsacramenthollywood.org/ ‎

What was the denomination?

Catholic

What Bible verses were referenced?

Isaiah 22:19-23, Romans 11:33-36, Matthew 16:13-20 

What are the demographics of the congregation?

Apx. 80-100 attendees in the congregation, mostly older. About an even split between Hispanic and Caucasian. 

Was the atmosphere formal or casual?

If you have to ask, you have never attended mass. Vestments on the priest. Very formal and ritualized service.

What was the music like?

None, except a few accapella chants

How was the use of PowerPoint?

No PowerPoint (And there was much rejoicing!)

Being Hollywood, were there celebrities in the congregation?

None that I could see, but then again I went to the 7:30am service, and most celebs wouldn't attend the early mass

The First Baptist Church of Hollywood

This morning, I heard passages read aloud from the King James Version of the Bible. God's Word in the English of Shakespeare's era is a good way to start any day.

The First Baptist Church of Hollywood is either in a period of transition or on the verge of closing its doors. Or maybe I am projecting either of those possibilities as an excuse for what went on inside its sanctuary this morning. The thing is, one shouldn't need to make excuses, which ought to give an indication of how things went.

Allow me to begin by asking (Seinfeld mode activated): What is the deal with every church including "First" in its title? (Seinfeld mode deactivated). Is there a Third Baptist Church somewhere and if so, couldn't they have come up with a more original name and eliminate the ordinals altogether?

Back to today's service, it began with some heavy organ music, akin to a funeral dirge. Don't get me wrong; it was a well-played funeral dirge, but about as spiritually uplifting as a Depeche Mode song. The instrumental prelude was followed by a medley of sung songs, chosen by members of the congregation. Yes, friends, the organist/pianist took requests. I half expected to see a tip jar on the side of the baby grand. It was all I could do not to shout out, "Layla!"

Typically, basic information of a church can be found on the back of its Sunday bulletin. Failing that, it might appear on a PowerPoint slide. Absent PowerPoint, perhaps a portion of its website. The bulletin didn't include any information on who the head pastor was, and there were no statements of beliefs anywhere. There was no PowerPoint which made me happy, but they also don't seem to have a website which left me without a lot of the information I normally use to prepare for each service (fortunately Yelp's listing of worship service start times was accurate).

The church looks like a church. What I mean is that if you closed your eyes and pictured a traditional, simple church layout, that would be what you'd get upon walking into First Baptist. Everything was painted white except for the dark wood of the pews, and the low attendance meant there was a lot of dark wood visible. I'd guess there couldn't have been more than 50 in the congregation, and the church appeared to be able to hold a few hundred people.

A longtime friend of the family is undergoing chemotherapy and his doctor told him the worst possible place to go when your body is vulnerable to illness and disease is church. He wasn't saying this to promote any atheist tendencies; rather he was talking about how congregation members tend to be more physically touchy-feely than the average person, resulting in an abnormal amount of germs being spread around the room. Most regular church-goers know a common tradition of the last 20 years or so is to interrupt the flow of worship for a period of "greeting." Typically, you shake the hand of the people in front of, next to, or behind you. Oddly, in this small congregation (which -- mind you -- was scattered throughout the large church), worship couldn't resume until everybody had clasped hands with, grabbed the shoulders of, or hugged one another. It reminded me of the end of parochial school sports events when both teams would line up and high-five each other... only this lacked that level of organization.

Speaking of organization, there was no real order of worship -- the bulletin contained little to no information about what would happen in church. No specific songs were listed, no specific prayers or liturgical information of any kind. And no topic of the sermon or even Bible verses. But the next "Board Game Night" will be this coming Friday at 7:30pm, for those interested. No order -- we sang for 15 minutes, then we greeted each other for several minutes, then we took the offering, and finally the guest pastor, "Brother Robert Cole," took center-state (no pulpit).

I think a conversation with Brother Robert would be very enlightening. A former R&B DJ, Brother Robert was once homeless and now serves as head of a mission that caters to those on skid row. He confessed to being under the weather, but he did his level best to convey the message of the day.

I counted two people sound-asleep in the pews in front of me, and I didn't dare turn to look behind me.

He had interesting things to say, and for a man performing mission work to espouse thoughts on Mark's "eye of a needle" passage certainly contains social relevance and credibility. But there was no energy to Brother Robert's words. He didn't have the attention of the congregation. I found my mind wandering several times during the sermon.

Perhaps the church is lacking a full-time pastor, which might account for the hodgepodge state of worship I experienced. Or, as stated above, I might have sat in on a congregation on its proverbial last legs. I hope a church located very central to all the big Hollywood landmarks can get its act together and generate a bigger draw, if for no other reason than they used the King James Version, and more people can benefit from that on Sundays.

Amen.

_______________________________________________

Sunday Scorecard

This will be a regular part of my weekly reviews, a series of short-answer questions about the day's experience.

What is the contact info for the church?

The First Baptist Church of Hollywood

6682 Selma Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90028 
323/464-7343 ‎

What was the denomination?

Baptist

What Bible verses were referenced?

Mark 10:23-31 (Read from the KJV... and there was much rejoicing!)

What are the demographics of the congregation?

Apx. 50 attendees in the congregation, mostly Caucasian. A decent mix of young and old. No children that I could see. 

Was the atmosphere formal or casual?

Coats and ties on the gentlemen leading worship; everybody else quite casual, many with Starbucks cups

What was the music like?

Organ and piano

How was the use of PowerPoint?

No PowerPoint (And there was much rejoicing!)

Being Hollywood, were there celebrities in the congregation?

The two women a few rows up from me were familiar faces, but no big names